derpixie's Journal

5:42PM - The Great Attractor

You casually dismissed a lovely person from your life and neglected one of the best friends you've ever had. It's ironic. You've been acting like the victim. And ultimately you are the only real victim.

11:59AM - Tired

I'm really, really tired. I've been this way for a week or two. It's quite unsettling and the vitamin supplements will be coming out soonly.





I'm a writer.
I'm a recorder.
I'm a scatter-brain


I feel like my eyelashes are clogged with sleepiness. I am interested and bored and tired all at once. I want maths. I want paint. I want to go for a walk. I want to find a little dark room and go to sleep there. I want to be alone. I want to be with MsE. I want to wash my hair. I want to be on a beach with my hair full of sand and salt.

I want water. I don't want to drink.

I don't want to be here. I'm starting to get used to it here again.

I've a pain. I'm not sure exactly where it is because it seems to move. Maybe I should get up and leave the office to go find it.

I've been here 2 hours. I'm leaving in 4.

I'm 30 already.

I am very logical - but my logic is flawed.

If I get up and leave they'll see me bring the maths book.

I should talk about my self so much. It's always "I this" and "I that".

I should just listen sometimes.

I've got books on stuff that I won't read. They look familiar. Like the Java book on the floor that I borrowed from the library here. I think I read parts of it before. I'm sure I could get my head around it if I applied myself. I just don't bother applying myself. It takes so much time. You read and you write notes. And the notes take so long. I should read and then try to remember without the notes maybe?

What the hell do I need to learn Java for anyway? Why the hell did I pick that book up. I always do that. I go over to get coffee and stare at the library and I always say to myself "some day, I'm gonna go over there and pick up a book and bring it back to my desk and find the time to read it."

I think the guy who sits in there, next ot the library, thinks I watch him. I do watch him. I just glance. Someone told me about him before. I'm pretty sure they meant him. I look at him and try to compare him with their comments. Like what Aed used to do with numbers - cheques and bills. I allot? I always forget that word. Allocate! I allocate. I think I probably extrapolate more often in this life.

So, I still want to get up. If she got up. My new manager. If she got up and left, I could get up and go. I could do an early lunch thing - only not eat the lunch. You know I want to just sit in a room with the book and I could just do that anyway. It's not really work but I want to understand what the hell they are all talking about. But I want to know more than them.

I always do that too. It's bizarre. I don't understand myself. A normal person goes to a book shelf and picks up a book. I go with a mission on my mind. It's not enough for me to know a program language. I want to know the assembly code underneath. And the machine code underneath that. And the maths behind that. Would it make me feel clever? What does that mean about me? I waste time. I write notes. I record. I'm a writer.

8:54AM - Hallow'd?

Page 313

Like sifting through mud for gems. You want to just scream "oh get on with it" at Rowling. After half a book, very little has really happened.

Yet, you're compelled. I'm quite pleased by the last section though. Sometimes, life is a bit like mud with a few gems.

Tired.

Exercise routine is hopefully kicking in for me. Love is still boundless. Am searching for a guide at the moment. I am annoyed at having to go help with something that should have been done weeks ago. In fact, to my knowledge it was done but I'm not going to loose my temper.

I miss G as times passes more and more. This is aching. There is nothing there anymore but I want to be there again. Visiting only made me want it more.

3:38PM - sunshine on no fixed abode

Looking for places to stay sucks.

I hate it.

The sun is shining though.

11:25AM - Cats

10:02AM - Marbles

Is it really March 7th! Shocked!

Anyway, I haven't written anything here in ages. I felt like I was living in an ad for breakfast cereal this morning. My Zen played "Love Will Tear Us Apart" as I walked otu of the apts and I really feckin love that song. Also, I considered pretending that today was in the year 1988. But Wednesdays are supposed to be sarcastic.

I played marbles at 10pm with my friend last night and it was fun. I have forgotten most of the rules. Missy got me the marbles for Xmas and they are shiney and great.

For the sake of a prospective drinking game: How to Play Marbles


I've also gone a little Feline crazy and have a bunch of cat pictures I may place her at some point.

Missy has asked me for a head shot. This is bizarre. I asked her if it was going on a Tshirt and she said no. I asked her if someone Wanted me and she said no. So I said ok... hmmm I have my digital camera in with me today. Photobucket better come back to life so I can get the pics off my camera and have room for lots of pics from Andorra.

Woohoo.

I'm trying to compare the service my other diary site offers between paid and free. I don't think I'm getting a clear advantage having paid for my account but then the fee is small.

How dull.

I'll put the cat pictures up later... that will be more interesting.

4:01PM - 1920's

Your 1920's Name is:

1:06PM - honesty

You Are 72% Brutally Honest

Most of the time, you tell it like it is. Even if it's hard for people to hear. Sometimes you hold back though, because you never want your honesty to be hurtful.

12:56PM - Alchemist

In a Past Life...

You Were: A Kind Alchemist. Where You Lived: Israel. How You Died: Consumption.

3:30PM

"Ahhh here... "

I am meeting a friend later on for nosh and it has been a while. The one friend I have that a lot of my other friends don't seem to like. I just don't see the point of falling out with someone.

On my third brew today - Twinnings Assam :)

9:15AM

You scored as Faerie. Faerie: Aren't you a cute little flying person? Faeries are earth spirits. They live among each element completely hidden. They have cousins called Pixies. Pixies however, are very mischevious. They enjoy tormenting other creatures for fun. Little pranksters.. I hope you never meet one. Pixies have a bad reputation for finding a creature and clinging to them until death. Faeries can be somewhat close to a Pixie, but mostly they are loving, playful, and carry with them a child-like enthusiasm for life. Hide among the pedals of a Daisy, you are a Faerie. </td> Faerie 92% Mermaid 75% Angel 42% WereWolf 33% Dragon 25% Demon 0% What Mythological Creature are you? (Cool Pics!) created with QuizFarm.com

Pixie - Faerie - yah. And of course, mermaid comes as no suprise. I'm a little suprised dragon came so far down the list. I think this may have to do with my uncertainty over my own temper. I have a bad temper but it takes A LOT to get it started. I am more the grumbling fire within that rolls out an issue of flame in good time. Rarely does a matter need an instant exposion of wrath. It has happened though.

Anyway, I yoinked this quiz from SomeLimerickGuy who is a lovely and evil man. :)

7:42PM - Sleepy Pixie

January is kind of hard isn't it? I don't know if it is my imagination but I seem to be more tired.

Time for a bath and then some reading - feels good to be reading again :)

1:43PM - On finding myself constantly looking for an update.....

Poll #891731 The Suffolk Strangler
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 3

The media representation of this story:

As ever, my interesest in something in the news has awakened that habit I picked up whilst doing some work for a newspaper. As time goes on and different news events occur, I realise how far journalism has strayed from that ideal that was laid down by my seniors in the paper.

My views on media are further shaped by my Masters. I was able to see both sides of a story. This has given me a dual opinion of media and newspapers. To what degree is a reporter obliged to inform the public and to what degree should a responsible journalist censor the news.

The fact, for me at least, is that this story is so large that there is no point trying to find angles or news. I am curious about this as a story because I want to be able to sleep at night at some point, safe in the knowledge, that the powers of law and order can look after the public. I want to know that if horrible things happen in this world, that we are equipped to sort them.

The news, in this specific case, should only be what the police say. I will listen to everything I am told, hoping to hear something that will affirm or persuade me that something can be done or is done. Interviewing a local community, a fellow sex worker, a local official, an expert in the psychology of a serial killer, a milkman, a bus driver, a school teacher, an ex wife, and hearing their opinion does not tell me that the police are going to sort it out.

I feel that there is plenty of news out there that deserves speculation and opinion. This is not one of those stories. This isn't, in fact, a story at all. This is a warning, a cautionary statement, a rule of life, a disaster, an awful and horrific occurence. This is a reminder that horrible things happen to people.

I was working in a paper on that dreadful day when two planes hit the towers in New York. I had an informal chat with the deputy editor during the week after the tragedy. As we left the office to go get some lunch, she turned to our receptionist and said: "This is great." Going around to people and asking them if they had known anyone in the WTC on the day was going to fill our paper for the week and perhaps for the month. She did say openly "it isn't great of course, its horrible, but you know, its great for ME."

This turned me off so much. Now, this attitude is, in a way, very important to a reporter. You need the impetus or the drive to go out and find something and often when you find something, this is worth knowing. There are countless instances of investigative journalism that have proved important. The other side of it is that when a paper and that paper's market is constructed such that anything that carries emotion, pathos, intrique or personal and human interest of any kind, a big story sells papers. The new angle - the emotional angle sell papers. The facts are not selling the paper. But the facts are more important. The human interest has it's place, afterward.

3:11PM - Escher

Who Should Paint You: M.C. Escher

Open and raw, you would let your true self show for your portrait. And even if your painting turned out a bit dark, it would be honest.

5:46PM

I am tired and I have ten minutes to write this. 

I am planning to go home and eat somthing and go to my room and rest. Rest is sooooo good. 

Spent my afternoon listening to the budget speech and comments thereon. While listening I was creating a spreadsheet for the work tasks I have to divide between myself and my team members. It shouldn't take too long to do the work. I was getting a little stressed looking at the file though as I wondered where I would get the  information from to write the files. Nevermind! I will start all that tomorrow. 

The festive fun is in the air - emails with little santas are arriving in my inbox. Also, an email about marzipan babies which was more than a little disturbing. 

More traffic is on the roads than previous weeks and its cold out there at the moment. 

Eek... not even going to finish this now... maybe later. 

5:11PM

I don't look at him liked I used to do. In fact, in an Alice-in-Wonderland gone nuts way, I look at him in a divergent way.

The context of a minor communication between he and I, is not important. It was nothing more than a joke here and there. I am glad he responded. But I'm glad I'm not over there or that he is here. I'm glad the context of our communications have changed. I am glad of where I am. I feel a kind of cold ill feeling now when I look at him - allbeit through a kind of thick ether.

They are decorating the building today. I love it! 

The morning newspapers all carried the stories of the infamous Mulhall scissor sisters. I wonder at how engrossed we all are about them and their terrible story. Newspapers like to mop up this kind of thing. Whey do we want to know? I even want to know why. Then I see terms like drug abuse, ecstacy and heroin and I just think that they were all out of their minds. 

The women wear very unflattering eyeliner as theough they are Cleopatra. The line of their eyebrows are strimmed, making their faces seem stark. Behine all that art and polished lines are the minds that did those horrible things to a human. 

  

9:05AM - White Rabbit...

4:04PM - Did a Quiz

What Kind of Reader Are You? Your Result: Dedicated Reader You are always trying to find the time to get back to your book. You are convinced that the world would be a much better place if only everyone read more.
Obsessive-Compulsive Bookworm
Literate Good Citizen
Book Snob
Non-Reader
Fad Reader
What Kind of Reader Are You? Create Your Own Quiz

11:50AM - Its actually all about ME

Had the old sit down with my boss yesterday... 

After so many years of hating people I work for I've finally got to a point where in terms of who I work for I am happy. 
Things are not perfect. I unfortunately have very definite ideas about what counts as success or failure. That said, these definite ideas are applied to general rules and therefore things are not all lost. 

But to return to the meeting held yesterday where it was agreed I would have a permanent contract, and that I would get to interact with others and have more imput. This is important in a creative process. I also asked for more work, the ability to go off and do my own thing for a few hours and to be allowed to sit down and plan stuff myself. 

And I was offered the chance of taking a big sheet of paper and taking it into a room and to draw pictures. This sounds nuts but this is what my team lead has suggested I do in order to form a concrete idea for planning my next project. 

In a previous meeting it was noted that raises were rare given the generosity of our xmas bonus. It is very generous. My team lead did say something to me that suggested I would get a raise in 3 months though. 

Hard work lies ahead, because upon asking for more work, by lord I was given it. I'm managing an online project next week! 

All good in my  head and stuff. 

2:55PM - Naive Questions

Der Pixie was a Feminist of some order in the sense that she was a student-body representative of feminism.

 

The immediate reaction to her campaign (before she was ever appointed) was the voice of the an LGB female officer. A direct message was presented to me along the lines of “your poster must go.” The poster concerned an acrobat bending over backwards. The idea was a play on the expression that to help someone out – you’d bend over backwards.

 

The LGB officer was offended by this. But I felt she was wrong to be offended – she was the one who saw this as meaning anything other than it did. I resented the “order” to remove the poster – the person with the feeling did not approach me directly. I didn’t produce any more copies of the same poster but I didn’t remove any copies. I presented my manifesto and a new poster.

 

As Carrie would say, this incident got me to thinking about feminism a little differently. I wanted to know exactly what I was talking about. I ended up sitting in my university library reading texts on feminist thought. My gut feelings – my initial reactions to what I read went along two lines. Firstly, that sex and gender were not comparable to one another. That sex was unquestionable in most cases but gender was an identity. I was beginning to see the point that women like Germaine Greer made with regard to the way girls were brought up with a gender.

 

Much later on in life, I read Middlesex and saw the way its character Cassie was treated as a Guinea pig in a project to see if gender was inherent or developed. Cassie was born first as a girl and then as a man. As a child she was a girl and as an adult he was a man because of hermaphrodism.

 

Feminism had made arguments regarding the expectations society has on girls and on boys. This was around the time I had an issue with girls having baby dolls. At the time, I felt I may have had this issue because of certain incidents in my own childhood. I had put my baby-doll away one day after my mum had miscarried. But maybe putting them away just created the situation where I questioned them at all. I find baby dolls frightening. I also resent that little girls are being taught to make them go to the toilet and feed them. They do it because they want to be grown up like their mommy.

 

Anyway, that was my first sort of feminist thinking. And it made me angry. I didn’t like being angry.

 

When I read a definition of feminism today I learned nothing new except the names of the women responsible for the publishing of the theories I had read in those texts. The second initial feeling I had about feminism was that it was the preserve of women and was not a single body of thought but the feelings of each woman. I find this latter feeling more difficult to explain.

 

The Female Eunuch has been criticized for being naïve and scattered in its presentation. The feelings of Greer and her reactions to her own life are presented as opposed to solid workable social theories. But reading about this today merely affirms my feeling that feminism is non-entity today. Its roots are different.

 

When reading my texts in my University I saw that women like Gloria Allred were extreme in their feeling that there was no room for men at all what with there being test tube babies and all. And I realized that this may be the view held by some lesbian feminists who would have preferred it if I had not been elected to represent them. Society, as far as I can see, may not be better off without men.

 

I agreed with Christina Hoff Sommers that these feminists were anti-male. I was all for equality.

 

This is where things got interesting for me. A friend of mine held a similar role in another university. I came to know her  much later on and long after my crusade against the anti-males. She felt that there should not be a role in student politics devoted to Women’s rights – it should be equality.

 

Then, you look at difference feminism (for example, Carol Gilligan). Women and Men are not the same and things should not be the same for both. These differences are important but do not mean that one is better than the other. As far as I can see, the modern world has been constructed in male terms. The hours that a person works, the manner in which workers are promoted, the pay scales and policies on childcare are all constructed in terms of a world that is dominated by the male representing the human. And women are subjugated in this way.

 

How much any woman feels this and to what extent a women would like to see this changed is down to the individual woman. For example, it is not my place to tell a woman that she should not wear a veil or yashmek. For me, the requirement of a veil in public is chauvinistic but it is not my place to tell the Muslim woman it is. The reason it is not my place to tell her is because it is not my place to tell a woman who is of similar ethnical background to me to not get married. As far as I can see marriage is a form of male dominance in society. Marriage is traditionally the purchasing of a wife and it is assumed that once married a woman should be a “wife.”

 

Civil partnerships are something we should all be allowed to have but we should not be obliged to have them. Two people singing a contract of commitment smacks of something I need to consider further. Why does there have to be a document, like a birth certificate or death certificate? Why does marriage have to be a legal matter? The answer to this question is not along the lines of “so that they receive the same tax incentives as a married couple.” Why are there tax incentives towards marriage at all?

 

These are no doubt naïve thoughts but its still worth starting with those kind of questions.